Today is the saddest day in my life.

I lost someone whom is close to m heart, someone whom practically watch me grow up whom i called her Yi Ma.

Today i was at the hospital by her side, encouraging her to press on, but even how hard i tried, my family and my relatives tried, we failed..

When i first saw her, i couldn't recognise her as her eyelids were swollen and she looks very different, in my heart i know she in a very bad shape.

She was unconscious the whole time but from my cousins said to keep talking to her as she can hear us, in a way to motivate her. I can sense she trying very hard to fight the cancer even though we were told she couldn't make it pass noon but she hang on till late noon, whom she took her last breath.

I was consistently in and out of the ICU, only taking a few shorts break in between. She was so weak and the doctor has done the maximum for her but i still wish for a miracle to happen. When i am in the room, while talking to her, i touched her hands and legs hoping she would give me a response but i only felt coldness and swollenness due to strong medication administrated on her.

I was just outside the ICU when she took her last breath. When i got in, the doctor has confirmed she left, my Yi Ma has left me, at this time i felt a gasp of unknown air rushing into my body. By this time, most of my family members have gathered at the ICU, alot couldn't hold back the tears. I walked to the door step of the room and took one last look at her and i went out and took a breather.

i never cried throughout the whole period, a few times tears were about to flow but i swallowed it back in. I just felt alot of things going in my mind, the times i spent with her, the final moments... i feel like a very heavy rock in my body....something which i never felt before.

To me she like my second mum, someone whom been with me for my entire life... i really miss you... I know selfishness i wish she can hang on but i know she is suffering alot as the cancer has spread to 4 parts of her body and she rejecting the medicine, to comfort myself, i am glad she passed away peacefully.

Am i a freak, or am i a person whom can control my emotions well,

Why this is happening, why it happened so quickly that i don't even have a chance to speak to her.

I cannot imagine how it would be like when life without her, it's just weird as part of my daily life... i really hope this is a bad nightmare but the harsh reality has denied me..

I got to be strong ......

I don't know other ways to relax myself, i hope by writing it out, i would feel better....

I really miss you, can you feel it?